(This post is intended for somewhat mature audiences and people who are not related to me. Mom and Dad, please delete this post NOW, thank you.)
Sometimes when I am falling asleep (or rather, NOT falling asleep) I envision future situations with my children and how I’ll handle them. Apparently in the future I will remain calm and loving in the face of all kinds of transgressions. The only trouble “Idealized Me” is having with her teenagers is discussing masturbation with them.
I believe in masturbation the way some people believe in religious doctrines.
I believe that girls and women who can make themselves come (with their fingers, shower heads and battery-operated boyfriends) are happier in their sexual relationships and are more likely to be emotionally secure. I believe relationships where both partners masturbate (and are comfortable discussing it or even sharing it) are healthier. I believe you can’t be truly comfortable with someone else’s body until you are comfortable with your own.
Plus, masturbating always helps me fall asleep. (I can’t believe I just threw that out there, internets. You all had better share some good stuff in the comments.)
But I can’t imagine sharing how I learned any of this while I encourage a teenaged Ironflower to masturbate. At the same time, I don’t want her to be like a woman I knew who finally learned how to masturbate (and still could only do it with a vibrator, as she was still afraid to touch herself “down there) at the age of 38.
Thirty-eight is way too long to wait for an orgasm, people.
I would prefer that Ironflower know how to give herself an orgasm long before she has to explain it to anyone else. Because it’ll a lot easier to explain it (not to mention have it) if she knows all about it. I also think it will help not rush into physical stuff too fast - I can remember more than one time in high school that I stopped my horny little self from going too far by knowing that I could go home and take care of things perfectly (sadly, this same skill abandoned me a few times in adulthood) well by myself.
Notice I haven’t mentioned Lovebug much. Boys seem to figure the whole thing out a lot better, don’t they? I just don’t want him to be ashamed. Or to whine to some girl about blue balls when all he has to do is wait until he gets home.
So, any suggestions for how to talk to my kids about masturbation? Any experiences and/or opinions you want to share? Do you think I’m over-emphasizing the importance of female masturbatory skills?
25 responses so far ↓
Aunt Becky // February 23, 2008 at 11:50 am
I think you’re dead on with wanting to discuss masturbation with your daughter. Problem is, by the time you’re able to talk to her about it, she’ll be so horrified by it that she might combust.
I guess I’d probably take her dildo shopping or something when she reached a certain age. Or just pick her up one and leave it in her room.
Man, I never thought about that. I have boys who are always touching themselves.
Reiza // February 23, 2008 at 1:45 pm
THANK YOU. I’ve wondered the same thing myself. I actually had a discussion with dh about it years ago (before we actually had kids) and he was so lost.
Since you shared with us, I’ll admit that when we first started dating, dh was shocked to find that I could um…well…take care of myself and that I was willing to do so. Every other female he discussed the topic with insisted she would never do such a thing. @@
Okay, more embarassing admissions:
I was VERY lucky that I discovered all that jazz when I was a kid. I knew my body once I became sexually active (well, active with other people at least), so I’ve always had a good sex life.
But how the hell do I encourage my girls to explore without being a freaking perv? Thinking about it creeps me out, but the idea of them being that 38-year-old who is afraid to touch “down there,” freaks me out as well.
LunaNik // February 23, 2008 at 1:57 pm
I don’t even want to think about having that conversation with my girls. I mean, they’re still in diapers!!
But…some day I will have to and I have no idea how to approach the subject either. (I feel the same exact way about masturbation as you do.)
I’m interested to read the comments on this one…
jerseygirl89 // February 23, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Aunt Becky - I’m trying to imagine dildo shopping together - maybe we could do that after we pick up her first bra? Part of me thinks that would be great but the other part of me is a thirteen year old girl and the whole idea freaks me out.
Reiza - I bet this is why dh married you.
I know exactly what you mean - it’s so difficult to encourage sexual health without feeling at least a bit weird. I have a great book called “From Diapers to Dating” that is all about fostering sexual health. Maybe I should skip to this chapter.
LunaNik - I have weird thoughts late at night (when I don’t masturbate and put myself to sleep, that is). If I find anything good in the From Diapers to Dating book I promise I’ll share it.
WordVixen // February 23, 2008 at 3:35 pm
*lol* I didn’t until I met hubby (hm… was I 24?), but it never was a big deal to me. Then again, I waited for actual sex until we were married. Of course, I had to.
When I went to the Ob-Gyn before getting married for my first check up (you don’t need a pap until you’ve had sex), they found that my hymen wasn’t just in tact… it was a freakin’ rubber band! I’m serious. The gyno’s kept poking at it, and all I could think is that any minute they were going to start saying “boing! boing!”. I had to have a hymenotomy, and get this… prescription dildos. In varying sizes. I’d healed too fast, and ended up almost as small as I’d started.
Needless to say, it was a while before I actually enjoyed sex. Even though I do enjoy it now, if I’m not actually in the mood I’d just as soon have hubby take care of himself. But it’s cute. He misread my mood a couple of times, so now he asks first! “Do you mind if I…?” “Nah. I wanted to read anyway.”
Oh yeah. We’re romantic around here.
Mama Zen // February 23, 2008 at 5:43 pm
I’m with LunaNik; I’m not even ready to contemplate this yet! I guess I’m just hoping that MY Idealized Self will get a clue before the time comes!
shuey6 // February 23, 2008 at 7:33 pm
I think this is a self-guided tour… in other words, she doesn’t need you. Let her college girlfriends clue her in on it or leave a book like “Deenie” around for her to find.
feener // February 23, 2008 at 8:53 pm
ok you are cracking me up and very brave and honest and i LOVE it. ahhh ditto on the sleep part. i was VERY young when i discovered this amazing trick. i am talking 5 years old. i guess i was a natural. hoping it happens for my girls as well. i think i might be blushing. not something i discuss with ANYONE = not evne hubby.
Jill // February 23, 2008 at 9:30 pm
They figure it out on their own. I think if someone stops them or tells them there is something wrong with it then they get uptight about it. Of course if they ask questions you’ll be there to help them out!
jerseygirl89 // February 23, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Wordvixen - We do that too - honesty is its own form of romance!
MamaZen - It seems like our Idealized Selves have some work to do.
Shuey6 - Maybe if I could handpick her girlfriends, I’d feel better about it. And I totally didn’t get Deenie when I read it - hopefully Ironflower will be smarter.
feener - Thank you. And kudos to you for being “a natural”, that’s awesome.
Jill - You’re probably right. My grandma would probably call this “borrowing trouble” - after she got over the shock of the topic, of course.
Leslie // February 24, 2008 at 2:44 am
I think Jill is right - she’ll figure it out on her own, if there’s nothing to stop her. I figured it out myself around 13. And while I don’t remember specifically, I think reading some steamy books clued me in or perhaps inspired me. I had a masturbation habit long before I thought about sex with someone else.
I think the key is allowing your growing child some privacy and sending a clear message that sexual desire is part of growing up - it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but something to learn to control.
When I started my period I HATED pads, so my mom talked to me about tampons. In educating me about how to use them, she encouraged me to use a mirror to check myself out and told me not to be afraid to feel where they should go. I remember her saying something like, “It’s your body. Get to know it.” And while we weren’t even really talking about sex, her attitude really left an impact on me. She didn’t make me feel ashamed or weird. And I think that helped me develop a healthier attitude about my body.
I don’t think it’s too weird to think about how you’ll deal with this stuff. Part of raising your child into a healthy adult includes helping to shape their attitude about sex. When I think of my children as adults, I surely hope they’ll have a healthy and fulfilling sex life - it’s a great part of living!
melbs1969 // February 24, 2008 at 11:56 am
excellent post!
my step-daughter, when she was around 5…she figured it out by herself. she was always touching herself. finally, i had to explain to her that, it was fine to touch herself…normal. but…stop doing it in public.
i am thankful that my hubby and i have a wonderful sex life. and, satisfying. but…there was a time, in my life with my ex…where my only friend was my hand and…i’m not ashamed of that fact, at all…maybe blushing a little, as i’m admitting it but…you can’t see me!!
masturbating is natural and healthy. that is what my girls will know…but, there is a time and a place for it!
really, really awesome post!
Thalia's Child // February 24, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Wow! what a brave honest post.
I can’t even imagine having this conversation with Punkin. I’ll probably toss it into the ‘how babies are made’ lecture, like my Mum did (complete with charts, cross-sections and a horrible birth video.)
Merry // February 24, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Well then… my ideolized self just wants to be as open as possible with my daughter, without making her turn green or anything… I think she’ll figure it out with oversexed friends and books she hides from me - but I hope she’s comfortable enough to ask questions..
She’s ten now and I think the bra shopping will commence sometime in the next year, probably over the summer. More than knowing the ins and outs of her own self though, (excuse the pun) I want her to put herself first emotionally… because I think that’s where most girls mess up when it comes to early encounters and relationships and it sets the tone for future relationships…. Oh and I definitely want her not to fall for the whole blue ball emotional manipulation thing so many horny teen boys like to try… maybe I’ll just lock her in the basement
Boys are different - they’ve been checking out their packages since infancy… Do you know how many times I’ve had to tell them to get their hands out of their pants? Not to be obnoxious, but when you’re in a room full of people, they can see that!!! They are respectively 7 and 5 and I’m guessing they will soon be horn dogs, just like the rest of them… God help us all.
jerseygirl89 // February 24, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Leslie - Your mom rocks, have I mentioned that lately? Thank you for the great insights and advice.
Melbs1969 - Thank you! For the compliments and the sharing - even if it made you blush.
Thalia’s Child - Your mom is very cool too, though I think I’ll save the horrible birth video for when she might actually become sexually active with a partner - hopefully it’ll scare her into safety if not chastity!
Merry - You are so right about putting herself first emotionally, that is wonderful advice. I guess I don’t trust the over-sexed friends to help, because mine didn’t teach me anything useful (not that I’m still bitter. I’m not. Really.). Lovebug is already so different - whenever he sees his penis, I swear that he grins.
Reiza // February 24, 2008 at 7:01 pm
I see a lot of, “They’ll figure it out,” but obviously, not everyone does.
I’ve gotta check out that book. Thanks for the heads up.
We’re pretty open around here and we’ve had the, “Doing that in private is fine,” conversation too. I hope that helps. We shall see.
Karly // February 24, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Oh dear God. I am SUCH a loser. I am over hearing covering my mouth and saying OH MY GOD. Y’all have just amazed me with this. I love it. But, its making me blush.
Maybe this is because when I first started my period my mom was not as cool as Leslie’s mom and she was explaining about tampons and I mentioned the OB tampons (I’m pretty sure that was the brand…where you stick your finger inside the tampon and then insert it?) and she told me not to use those because she wasn’t comfortable putting her finger up there. And from that point on I felt DIRTY when I would touch myself. (I feel dirty right now saying “touch myself.” I am a loser.)! So, what I’m saying is this: parents TOTALLY leave a mark on their kids about stuff like this. Looking back I’m sure my mom meant when she was bleeding she didn’t want her finger up there, but its not like I knew that. Or like I really want to think about it anymore. OHMYGAH. This is the most I have talked about masturbation ever. I’m repressed or something.
canadianflake // February 24, 2008 at 8:05 pm
while I think masterbation is nothing to be ashamed of…I also think it is a personal journey…maybe just let her know that if she has any questions about sex or self pleasuring …just reassure her that you are open to any questions?? then leave it at that???
Kathryn // February 24, 2008 at 11:11 pm
HaHA! I have 3 boys! That is ALL up to my dear hubby. heh heh heh
love2all // February 25, 2008 at 9:06 am
Hi, first time I’ve visited your site but I HAD to comment on this. This is quite interesting! I don’t know, it’s strange to me to hear that many of you didn’t masturbate until you were a lot older because I started at 3. Yes, THREE! And I’m a girl!
I don’t know how to bring up the topic with children, as I just figured it out on my own and I have no idea how I discovered it. So my mother never had to explain; I just always remember knowing how to masturbate. Both with my fingers and other objects.
A book would be good, followed by, “If you have any questions, don’t be afraid to ask me.” I think that’s what I’ll do once my kids are a bit older (they’re only 5 and 3 now and I’ve never seen either try to do anything with their genitals, really).
I do recall reading Deenie when I was younger but I had already figured the whole deal out before I read it.
But back to my shock and awe. Actually, I do recall a few of my friends saying (when they were in their 20s) that they’ve never masturbated in their life. They’ve had sex but no masturbation. And if they need to have an orgasm, they rely on getting laid. Which is a GREAT reason for someone to learn how to masturbate… you don’t have to be desperate and wait for a sex partner and possibly engage in risky behavior because you’re horny.
Former Surgeon General Joyceln Elders had it right. Kids DO need to know how to masturbate. It’s probably why I waited until the time was right to have sex.
jerseygirl89 // February 25, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Reiza - Yeah, I think remaining open and calm about everything should help a lot.
Karly - OMG, I made you blush? I had no idea that this post would get you blushing. BTW, it’s not dirty!
canadianflake - Self-pleasuring sounds SO much better than masturbation or all the other terms. I’m going to definitely use that term.
Kathryn - All you have to is wash the sheets without saying anything!
love2all - Thanks for coming by - I had no idea about the Elders comment - that should be helpful if anyone disagrees with me!
lottifish // February 25, 2008 at 6:11 pm
I don’t think you necessarily need to talk about it (I figured out what felt good all by myself) but you should make sure that they know it’s natural and it’s not something they should be ashamed of.
I think it would have helped me if my Mom had felt like knocking on my door before she waltzed right in when I was a teenager. It was embarrassing to be caught.
colleen_katana // February 25, 2008 at 7:25 pm
I am, unfortunately, one of those girls who could never manage to figure out my body until later in my life. Well, later meaning age 24. But in college, I was definitely looked at strangely by my girlfriends who knew. And it definitely wasn’t for lack of trying, either. I just couldn’t get to my climax. I even broke my vibrator once. (it’s a long story…
This had nothing to do with my parents though. They did a decent job talking with us about choices, and sex, and decisions, and even when I mentioned to my mom about moving in with The boyfriend!, her one concern was “since we haven’t yet had sex, we should do it before moving in cause every girl’s gotta test drive the car before buying!” And yes, my ears bled upon hearing this.
Talking about sex with parents is not an easy thing. I would say the most important thing for your daughter to know is that she CAN come to you with any questions or concerns. That in itself goes a long way.
I hate to admit this, but I learned about masturbation at a really young age when I found my dad’s Playboys and saw beautiful naked women touching themselves. And I guess I thought, “well hell, if dad is allowed to look at this stuff, it must not be too immoral or horrible.”
Now, in the case that my parents are scouring the internet for my name (which they do on occasion), GOD OH GOD, I AM A VIRGIN WHO NEVER TOUCHES HERSELF AND I WILL NEVER HAVE SEX. NOT EVEN ON MY WEDDING DAY WILL A MAN PENETRATE THIS CHASTITY BELT AND THE ONLY SEX I WILL HAVE WILL BE FOR THE PURPOSE OF HAVING CHILDREN!
jerseygirl89 // February 26, 2008 at 8:12 am
Lottifish - I will definitely remember to knock!
Colleen - You know I’m going to want to hear that broken vibrator story someday. I love your conclusion after seeing your dad’s magazines.
Cris // February 29, 2008 at 9:34 pm
I’ve spent far too much time worrying about how I’m going to pay for the orthodontist and college, and worrying about whether they will have good lives and meet good partners. I’ve got a whole new agenda to worry about and plan discussions for!
AND - I’m gonna start leaving the Playboys in more conspicuous places in our house.
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