Having another?
They say with so much surprise
And how far apart?
Your hands will be full
They are so close together
You will be busy!!!!!
I suppose people are just making small talk. I suppose they think their comments are original. I suppose they think I hadn’t noticed that I will be bearing three children within (barely) four years. I suppose they think they are being amusing. Though I notice it’s not people I consider my friends – or even good acquaintances – that say these things. It’s other mothers though – the ones at the library, the park and the preschool.
Sometimes I see them wanting to ask if I’m a highly observant Catholic. Or whether I actually I did this on purpose. Or if I’m crazy.
And I wonder how they would react if I said, “Gee, it must be so easy with just one child. I’d be bored.” (BTW, I don’t actually think that’s true. Some things are easier with one, some things are easier with a few). Or if I commented about how far apart THEIR children are, “Don’t you want your children to be good friends?” Or maybe I should say something that hints at their husbands’ lack of sexual desire.
Fertility is such a touchy subject. And while I think most people have become more sensitive about making comments to people struggling to have a (or another) child, apparently those of us who have a fertility surplus seem to be fair game. And today it’s ticking me off.
(the final straw came when a mother of four – soon to be five – commented that I was sure going to have my hands full. Excuse me? She AND her husband don’t even have enough hands for all of their kids.)
So, what family size comments have bothered you lately? I’m not the only one who’s touchy, right?
17 responses so far ↓
AndreAnna // May 16, 2008 at 1:23 pm |
I don’t let it bother me. I think for the most part, people just feel the need to say SOMETHING, and it’s not intentional to sound like a horse’s ass.
My babies will be just barely two apart, and I either get “Oh, that’s such a great age separation!” or “Wow, two in diapers, huh?” What. Ever.
AndreAnna // May 16, 2008 at 1:25 pm |
I don’t let it bother me. I think for the most part, people just feel the need to say SOMETHING, and it’s not intentional to sound like a horse’s ass.
My babies will be just barely two apart, and I either get “Oh, that’s such a great age separation!” or “Wow, two in diapers, huh?” What. Ever.
Lisa // May 16, 2008 at 1:36 pm |
People are really just stupid – I think this is what this comes down to. Or maybe they are just trying to make small talk while in their head they are trying to calculate back to which day you and Hot Guy actually might have found the time (with those 2 kids) to actually do something that leads to a baby? After going through fertility struggles myself, I am always a little surprised to hear when people get pregnant by simply having SEX, like, really? that’s CRAZY talk. (Sex? I guess we’ll try that. haha) Ignore them all – they don’t have your life, and thank goodness you don’t have to have theirs
Are you proud that I commented instead of being a lurker when you know I basically read every post?
Becky // May 16, 2008 at 2:30 pm |
Oh, I’ve heard it all. I’ll think of my favorite one and get back to you.
anglophilefootballfanatic // May 16, 2008 at 2:57 pm |
I’ve been getting lots of flack for NOT being pregnant and having six or seven. People assume (within the family) that we are not observant Catholics. And, we are. NFP works when you bother. My in-laws just didn’t bother. So, my grief is like yours but the opposite.
philangelus // May 16, 2008 at 4:22 pm |
Just dropping by… Recently at BJs an employee gave me a look of utter disgust because I admitted that in addition to the two kids in the shopping cart, I had *another* two kids at home. Oh heavens. As if it’s any of her business.
I recommend you work on a Death Glare that can peel the paint off the walls for when people make inappropriate comments. It works.
I’ve had family members joke with us about having “all those kids” (four?!?) and I agree with you: they think they’re funny. They’re filling up empty space in the conversation with what they think passes for humor.
Connie // May 16, 2008 at 4:55 pm |
I live in Utah. I am NOT mormon….but when anyone comments on my 11 month apart kids I tell them my Sister Wife is pregnant now too.
Worked great for shutting my seatmate up on a flight to Dallas recently!
wordvixen // May 16, 2008 at 7:13 pm |
Definitely not the only one. Hubby and I have been trying for a year, but I haven’t even ovulated during that time (darn PCOS!). However, a few months ago, we thought that I might be since I had all the symptoms. Hubby told everyone.
Now we get questions and comments all the time. And, given my size, they can’t tell just by looking at me.
LifeAsIKnowIt // May 16, 2008 at 7:28 pm |
People don’t know what to say sometimes and often end up saying the worst possible thing.
Someone told me this week that maybe we were meant to just have two kids. Nice, comforting words, huh?
Jess // May 16, 2008 at 10:13 pm |
We’ve always planned on 4. Which bothers people.
My MIL said “Oh, trying for the boy?” when we told her we were going for #3.
That’s insulting. And rude.
Whenever someone says “oh, you have your hands full” I reply “the more the merrier!” as if I completely love strangers telling me this instead of “cute kids!”.
3 in 4 years is awesome. Screw ‘em.
canadianflake // May 17, 2008 at 2:17 pm |
I have never had this problem as a Mom…but funny enough I have had it as a child. I am a twin with 3 older siblings…often when I mention I am a twin someone will make a similar comment about us “being a handful” for our Mom…I just remind them that is not the case because I have been a perfect angel since birth…lmao
Leslie // May 17, 2008 at 5:36 pm |
I’ve made the comment about “having your hands full” to friends that have kids close together or a lot of kids. Because mine are almost four years apart and seriously – that’s a handful for me. I’ve never meant it to be offensive. I’m just kind of in awe.
HRH // May 17, 2008 at 8:51 pm |
For me it is always the “are you going to go for the girl?” question. I respond with that I think I am overly blessed at this point…
I probably have used the “hands full” comment before in an akward silence way. I meant it in a sympathetic way.
Jess // May 18, 2008 at 9:41 am |
Just had to add- I think it’s awfully sad that children are considered burdens and not blessings.
Child isn’t preparation for life, childhood IS life.
I don’t need sympathy. I LOVE being a Mom.
kendra // May 18, 2008 at 4:00 pm |
It’s different for everyone. Sometimes I feel inadequate cuz two is all that I know that I could handle, but I would have loved to have had more. I think that motherhood is beautiful, and children are a reminder that you have what it takes to do the most important job on Earth.
Reiza // May 20, 2008 at 8:29 pm |
I have 3 kids–twins and a singleton who is 4 years younger than his sisters.
I once had someone at the mall ask, “Are they all yours?” He followed that up with, “Have you figured out what causes that yet?”
I responded with, “For some of us, it’s supplements and drugs and doctors.” He laughed. I wanted to punch him in the face.
I’ve never had to resort to fertility treatments, but both of my pregnancies were planned and none of them came easily. My last one did involve supplements, but not doctors. I have far too many friends/family who suffered through infertility to let that comment go.
I’ve responded to the “hands full” comment with, “Better full than empty,” but I worry about doing that in mixed company. I don’t want to offend anyone who is having difficulty conceiving. I find that, “Yes, thankfully,” is a response that works well to shut people up without offending.
I seem to be a lightning rod for stupid comments. I’m actually thankful for them (after the initial annoyance) because hey, it’s fodder for the blog.
LunaNik // May 23, 2008 at 10:15 am |
No comments lately. However, when I was preggers with #2 I got A TON of comments. The most popular and by far the most infuriating was this one:
I sure do hope they have the same father!
Apparently, having two children just over a year apart makes me a slut who’s prone to having multiple children with multiple fathers. Who knew.