Yesterday some young Mormons knocked on my door. Two young men, slightly sweaty in their pants and ties, were looking so earnestly at the door that I opened it. I was polite and chatty with them, because after an ill-fated attempt in door-to-door environmental donations ( I lasted three days), I have sympathy for anyone going door-to-door.
But naturally they took my mention of Mormon friends and questions about where they were from (Utah and Texas) as a sign that I was looking to be converted. And we all know that’s never going to happen.
But instead of explaining that I’m an Unitarian (home of what Hot Guy calls “cover-your-ass Christianity”, or even just turning them down flat, I told them that I was a pagan. And I enjoyed the shocked looks on the young men’s faces as they realized the nicest woman they’d met all day was a complete heathen. I lied and I liked it.
And then today, as if messing with Mormons wasn’t evil enough, I accidentally on purpose lost Ironflower’s kazoo. Most of the time, my children’s music doesn’t faze me. Ironflower can sing “Farmer in the Dell” a thousand times (especially when she sings, “The farmer takes a life, the farmer takes a life” instead of “the farmer takes a wife”) and Lovebug can beat on the drums for hours and I don’t care. I don’t even mind most of their kazoos. But the little orange was driving me crazy this morning. Especially as Ironflower played it the entire way to school. This kazoo sounds like a dying cow and no tricks persuaded Ironflower to stop playing it.
When we got to school, I reminded Ironflower to leave her toys in the car. When Lovebug and I came back out, I made him climb in on her side and when he kicked the kazoo out in his climb, I let him. And I didn’t even pick it up.
I am so going to hell. . . .where undoubtedly that kazoo will provide background music as I’m forced to read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover for all eternity.
21 responses so far ↓
tazspaz // June 3, 2008 at 12:32 pm |
lol …
Reminds me of some days I’ve had. Thanks for the laugh and candidness!
AndreAnna // June 3, 2008 at 12:46 pm |
My husband likes to tell them he’s a witch. LOL
Travis Erwin // June 3, 2008 at 12:48 pm |
I like to offer them a beer.
Becky // June 3, 2008 at 1:10 pm |
Oh lover, I’ll be in the room next to you. We’ll be listening to the theme song from The Facts of Life on repeat.
silken // June 3, 2008 at 2:30 pm |
where we used to live, our house got banned from the Mormons. My husband studied w/ them and even wrote a letter to a friend who joined their church. They never came back! now, I usually just don’t answer the door or tell them I’m not interested…
Kathryn // June 3, 2008 at 3:21 pm |
Does that mean I’m going to hell with you cuz I’m laughing? That is hilarious!
Jess // June 3, 2008 at 5:20 pm |
I always offer them coffee.
Though the kazoo is a good idea too. It would be the ONLY time my kids are allowed to play it.
Leslie // June 3, 2008 at 10:39 pm |
I was just telling Dave today that when I die, I’m going straight to hell. And my headstone will read: Here lies Leslie, god dammit.
So, see ya there!
irishsof // June 4, 2008 at 10:18 am |
I like to tell them that they are just in time for the gay orgy my BF and I have planned and that they’re so cute they’d be really popular…would they like to join us?
That usually does the trick.
VirtualSprite // June 4, 2008 at 10:49 am |
Oh, this does make me enjoy my 1/4 mile driveway. I give credit for any Mormons who can make it up that sucker. Of course, I still invite them in to see my altar, but the will have to pardon the blood because we haven’t had time to clean up after the last virgin sacrifice…
Tonya @ Mama's Life // June 4, 2008 at 8:00 pm |
Oh you are just too funny…a pagan! I hope you aren’t going to hell for the kazoo, because I’ve done that too.
Reiza // June 4, 2008 at 9:50 pm |
I must say, I like that version of the Farmer in the Dell much better than any other I’ve heard.
Although, my kids used to sing, “The baby likes to nurse,” instead of, “The baby takes a nurse,” which was a line in their obnoxious CD even though the version I sang in kindergarten lacked that particular line.
Oh, come on, messing with people is fun.
I wish you could have recorded that conversation and put it up here in its entirety.
And as for kids’ toys, my friend has her son convinced that when batteries die, they’re gone forever and the toy can never make noise again. He came to that conclusion on his own and she has never corrected him. She certainly doesn’t deserve to be damned. She deserves to be worshiped.
Shellie // June 5, 2008 at 12:50 am |
Ha, ha. What a little imp. I don’t think anyone in hell will make you read the Book of Mormon, but you might have kazoo music. Funny, but here in Utah I get the visits from the JW’s. I even sit down and talk with them sometimes, but my mom goes to get her church magazines to share with them when they offer the watchtower. They usually make a quick exit. Door to door just sucks. For both sides of it.
HRH // June 5, 2008 at 9:31 am |
You made a wise decision. Once I told door to door Mormons that they didn’t need to waste their time with me because I was already saved. BIG MISTAKE. They spent the next thirty minutes telling me otherwise (with scriptural reference). Obviously I had been misinformed by my religion…
PG // June 5, 2008 at 2:24 pm |
“kazoo” and “music” should never really appear in the same paragraph. Whoever invented the kazoo really pulled on over on the world.
LunaNik // June 5, 2008 at 3:38 pm |
*snicker*
Yep, if you ever end up in hell, I guarantee the kazoo will provide the music to your theme song.
*snicker some more*
jerseygirl89 // June 5, 2008 at 6:41 pm |
tazspaz – Anytime!
AndreAnna – I will have to try that next time
Travis – I like the way your mind works.
Becky – With a kazoo back-up!
silken – You are a far nicer person than I am.
Kathryn – Depends on what you do the next they show up at your door.
Jess – You are a genius. Maybe I will get a kazoo to keep by the door.
Leslie – Between you and Becky, at least I will be in excellent company then.
irishsof – I just don’t think I could say “orgy” to them with a straight face.
VirtualSprite – I feel so much better about myself now.
Tonya – If I do go to hell, it probably won’t have anything to do with the kazoo.
Reiza – Your friend is a genius. And I love your kids’ version.
Shellie – Do you think I should buy some church magazines? Or pagan ones for next time? Your mom is smart.
HRH – This is why I’m a Unitarian – I can’t believe there’s only one way to be saved or whatever. But I definitely won’t use that one next time!
PG – You are SO right.
LunaNik – Ya know, you could go down for laughing at me.
Crabmommy // June 7, 2008 at 9:27 pm |
Hee hee. You and me both, lassie. I too have written quite extensively on my run-ins with Mormons. Sometimes I leave out the “r” in the word because, you know, I’m intolerant. Intolerance is the new tolerance, I say.
canadianflake // June 10, 2008 at 7:13 pm |
ya think I will go to hell with you cause I laughed at thought this was funny?? LMAO
matteroffactmommy // June 12, 2008 at 8:14 pm |
*this is me, still trying to get over the fact that crabmommy commented on your post*
anyhoo, i’m on the path to hell with you. enjoy the ride!
Crystal // June 16, 2008 at 4:14 pm |
i did environmental campaigning too! you would not believe how many people offered to smoke me out. since i don’t do drugs, i offer people kool-aid now because it is just as good as pot and it doesn’t make you feel dumb.