Dirty Little Secret

Cool Thing Number One:

So a while back I got an email from a very nice woman who wanted me to try out her product. I nearly fell off of my chair, because while I have heard of this happening to other bloggers, it doesn’t usually happen to me. Or, if it does, it is usually someone who can barely type asking me to share their “money-making opportunity” with my readers.

But this time the email made sense and the product was cool. It is called “The Wupzey” and you put it around your child’s highchair to catch food, so that you don’t have to spend an hour of every day sweeping (not that I do that, but I should). It looks like this:

(This is not the one at my house, though it is the style. I haven’t mopped for . .. . .um. . .a while so I thought it would be better if you could just focus on the wupzey and not on my deplorable housekeeping skills).  It’s easy to install on your highchair, and it comes in lots of cool patterns. AND it’s washable. I think it would make a great shower gift, or as a little present to yourself - because seriously, aren’t you sick of picking up all that food off the floor? I only wish there was one that would fit around the regular chairs.

Cool thing number two:

A few of you may know that I have a thing for Abba. I LOVE Abba. I have seen the musical Mamma Mia three times. It’s a really great musical, even for those who are not that into Abba. And now there making it into a movie (though if you can also go to the live show, you should - there’s nothing cooler than seeing an audience of all types getting and dance). At the premiere in London this summer, they will be looking for three women to perform as Donna and the Dynamos - the girl group from the show. And instead of putting out a notice in BackStage, Pond’s is having a contest. They are looking for sexy, sassy women in their forties to post their videos (or to go to the auditions in NYC April 28th) by April 30th. Then people can vote on the Pond’s website and whoever wins gets to go to London and perform.

I can’t enter because I really can’t sing. And I’ll be pregnant and all, which would totally ruin the pub crawling I’d want to do in London. But YOU should enter. If you enter and tell me, I will blog and send out emails to get everyone to vote for you. I will be so excited. Please do it. Be a Dynamo.

Asked for a break

a bit dizzy, had to sit

Ironflower MAD

It is the most gorgeous day of 2008 thus far, and after story time I took the kids to the playground. We had walked, so by the time we got to the park I was a little tired. On the way there, I had called Hubby and convinced him to bring us lunch so that we could have a family picnic. Upon arrival, the kiddos headed for the swings. Soon Lovebug wanted to get down and run around, but not Ironflower.

I soon realized that with the actual heat, the pushing the stroller full of library books and my  basic nausea that I needed to sit down. I told Ironflower that I was dizzy and needed to sit on the bench for a few minutes, so she would have to get out of the swing. Her response was to scream.

She screamed and wailed as I took her out of the swing. She kicked and stomped while I walked to the bench. She followed me, telling me how awful I was. She knocked over the stroller. I put her on the bench next to me for a time out. She continued to scream and wail. She tried to get out of her time out.

When Hubby showed up, instead of having a family picnic, we left. Ironflower screamed the entire way home and for a good half an hour in her room. I was so angry. I couldn’t stand this little brat who  had ruined our family’s day. And where the hell was my daughter?

When we talked to her about it later, all she would say was that she was mad at me for not playing with her. What have I done wrong?

Imagine that you see a tallish person wearing a teased wig. The person has orangey-red lipstick and eyeliner that looks like it was done with a Sharpie. The person is wearing black pants with gold pinstripes, a tight black t-shirt and a black jacket with rhinestone buttons and a fur collar. Clear plastic heels adorn the person’s feet.

Now imagine that you are seeing this person walk into the playground where your children are playing.

Do you think, OMG, there’s a drag queen at the park! Maybe she’ll want to be friends and I won’t have to hear the tenth birth story of the morning! Maybe we can go to a gay club over the weekend - I’ve so missed them. What will I wear?

Maybe that’s just me.

But wouldn’t you get a little bit of a thrill if a drag queen (and his/her grandchild) showed up at the playground when you were bored to tears?

Now imagine that as you get into a conversation with said drag queen, you realize that she has no Adam’s apple. And her voice sounds naturally high-pitched. And the child calls her, “Grandma”. And to your horror you realize that this “drag queen” you wanted to befriend is just a woman with really, really, bad style.

Do you still attempt to make friends with her, or do you casually wave as you go to your car?

At least I smiled as I waved.

Mama Rock’s Rules, the new book by Chris Rock’s mom Rose (with Valerie Graham), is subtitled, “Ten Lessons for Raising a Household of Successful Children”. In it, Rose Rock uses her experiences raising 10 children, 17 foster children and teaching countless others to bluntly tell you how to raise your children.

And that’s not a bad thing, exactly. If you’re feeling lost and/or confused in your role as a parent, this book has a lot of advice about what your role REALLY is (you are not your child’s friend and that is a good thing) and how to succeed in it. One section is even entitled, “Pull Out That Can of Whup-Ass”, so you know that this isn’t some touchy feely book that makes you fearful of reprimanding your children, lest you damage their self-esteem.

Not that there’s not plenty of advice on building your child’s self-esteem, it’s just her belief is that self-esteem comes from appropriate praise and strong boundaries. Mama Rock demands respect, gives respect (in both praise and consequences) and has high expectations. And it’s hard to argue with someone whose children include a world-famous comedian, a minister and a small business owner. She obviously knows what she’s talking about when it comes to raising children.

Some of the advice seemed obvious to me, such as the section on reading - of course you should start reading to them as soon as possible! Of course it’s the key to everything! And I was a bit annoyed by the end of chapter summaries, because it’s not like the chapters were all that long or complex. I also disagreed with her section suggesting making the oldest child (or the oldest child at home) responsible for everyone all the time - she mentioned a story about Chris getting in trouble because his younger brother had lost his mittens. I think that’s unfair. But then again, Chris Rock seems to have recovered from all that responsibility quite well, hasn’t he?

In general, I liked the book. I liked it so much I wish I could have given it to a mom at the park the other day. Her son (who was about 3) kicked my son every time he tried to climb the ladder. And she would say, “No, no, don’t do that honey, ” while I comforted my hysterical two year old. Ironflower and Lovebug have each physcially assaulted another child once. And each time, we left the park immediately. And now they don’t do it anymore. I’m pretty sure Mama Rock would approve. Though she doesn’t get into a lot of specifics, especially for small children.

Though the chapter on sex was pretty specific. I really liked the line, “Less talk means more action.” She goes on to explain that, “Studies show that teen pregnancy, STDs and emotional problems are highest in the groups where sex was never discussed.”  She then goes on to give helpful tips on how to talk to your kids about sex and how to make them visualize the consequences.

Give this book a try if you’re feeling like your kids are getting out of control, or you’d like to hand it out to certain mothers at the playground.

This review brought to you by MotherTalk.

Wow, the kids in bars post sure inspired a lot of discussion. For the record, I do think it’s different if we’re talking about restaurants with bars attached. But not at ten p.m. on a Friday night. And to all of you who said, “I go to bars to get away from children,” - I say, “Hell yeah, sistahs!”

And I’m just joking about the tequila in the sippy cups - I think my kids should start off with something sweeter, like rum. Or possibly Valium. Why is it that the more exhausted I feel the more energy they have? So far they haven’t figured out that my throwing the ball as far as I can and telling them to run and catch it isn’t really a game, but I fear it’s only a matter of time. They’re pretty smart.

In other news, I had my ultrasound tonight and everything looks fine! Once again, you all were right. Though you all could have mentioned that at these early ones they do it vaginally. Wasn’t prepared for THAT. Luckily it didn’t last long since apparently by the time you get to #3 your uterus has moved permanently up. Was that too much information?

And I am happy to report that there’s only one in there. After throwing up in the shower last night (I highly recommend it - such easy clean up) - something I never did with Ironflower or Lovebug - I was afraid that all these excess hormones meant I was having twins. But apparently it just means that the third time’s the charm. Or something like that.

In other baby’-related news, Leslie over at My Mommy’s Place is having her little girl tomorrow. Stop by to wish her an easy time and continue stopping by until you read the guest post I did for her. I’m not sure when it will be up (or if, to be honest - I’m not that happy with it and I told Leslie I wouldn’t be offended if she didn’t use it) but her posts are great and I’m sure her other guests’ posts will be awesome. Plus, there’ll be newborn pictures!

Oh, and I apologize profusely if I haven’t dropped by your blog much lately. I will be there soon, I promise.

So let’s talk about something close to my heart: bars.

Before I had children, I spent a lot of my social time in bars. Bars combined some of my favorite activities; people watching, football watching, trivia playing, drinking and smoking. Just typing that makes me long for the good old days - or at least one gloomy fall day in a sports bar with my friends Mimi and Lauren, several football games, an NTN trivia board and a pitcher of beer. Or maybe a table on the patio of a brewpub, with a perfect view of all the crazy people walking through the neighborhood. Or possibly. . . .

Ahem, I seem to have gotten a bit distracted. My point was that no one loves a good bar more than I do. And yet it’s never occurred to me to bring my children to one. How I missed this stroller ban drama, I’ll never know. Apparently some bar in Brooklyn tried to ban strollers which enraged the local parents. Where else could they meet on rainy afternoons?

Uh. . . .a coffee shop? Library? Someone’s house? Restaurant? Book store?

Personally, I like to imbibe when my children are already asleep or (even better) when someone else is taking care of them. I think it’s a slippery slope when you (I) pop open “just one” bottle of wine at a playdate.

But let’s suppose that these parents have more self-control than I do, okay? I still think the idea of pushing your stroller - or carrying your Baby Bjorn - into a bar is ridiculous. We’re not talking about bar/restaurants, either. Apparently, these parents don’t think they should have to “give up their lifestyles” just because they’ve had children.

I think that’s fine to a point - if they have money for sleek, designer children’s furniture/toys/clothes, good for them. I think it’s fine if they bring well-behaved children to nice restaurants. More power to them if they want to take their toddlers to Paris. But I’ve gotta draw the line at taking your kids to Happy Hour.

What do you think?

There’s really no reason for me to be so crabby today. No one in the family was admitted to the hospital, I didn’t have a failed Doppler experience and my children actually did a good job at library story hour (in fact, compared to most of the other children, they were AWESOME). Hell, I even walked them to the library!

Usually, exercise makes me a happier - and therefore kinder - person. But not today.

Today, I would like to share a few things I hate. I invite you to share your hates in the comments. Think of it as my small way of saying thanks for all the kindness you guys have heaped upon me lately.

1. I hate the fact that I have to sign a WAIVER if I allow Ironflower to go to one of her classmates’ birthday parties. It’s a gymnastics party, so I suppose I get it. But a waiver? Seriously? Are they going to have her doing flips on the balance beam?

2. I hate my pants. They are all too big or too small and I do not have one single pair that makes me feel good or look even slightly better. Not one.

3. I hate the weather. It was warm and springlike for one day, but by Sunday they high will be forty-five degrees. The high!

4. I hate people who tailgate me when I’m driving 35 mph in a 35mph zone. I hope they all get tickets.

5. I hate Fox News. The only time they are “fair and balanced” is when they say the date.

6. I hate that plastic surgery has become so pervasive that women are actually getting work done to make their vaginas  “more attractive”. I think the fact that it works should be attractive enough, dammit.

7. I hate that InStyle says that sailor pants are in. Even models don’t look good in sailor pants. Even SAILORS don’t wear sailor pants anymore.

8. I hate it when my friends don’t read my blog and I actually have to go through all this drama again and again when they call. (It’s perfectly fine - great, even - when friends who do read my blog call)

9. I hate it that I’m not on the Alltop list of parenting blogs, even though I totally don’t deserve to be there.

10. I hate it that I feel like all of my creative juices have been sucked away by stress and nausea and all I can post are lists and pleas for emotional support.

I am now her. Feel free to let the machine pick up.

For those of you givers still here, this is today’s issue:

When did you first hear the baby’s heartbeat?

Because I didn’t hear it today. I will be ten weeks tomorrow and I heard Ironflower at nine weeks. I don’t think this doctor was all that good with the doppler and she seemed to think it was too early but I am unnerved. She thought everything felt fine. But still.

Because I am old this time around (36! Call the gerontologists!), I get to have an ultrasound next Tuesday. So I have to wait until Tuesday to make sure everything is okay. Patience is not one of my virtues.

So please, please, tell me that you didn’t hear heartbeats this early either and that everything was fine. Because I believe in you, internets. And I’m very, very, needy.

(Also, this time I get to have genetic testing. Wahoo. Anyone got any opinions on amnio? I don’t know whether to risk the test or not. There’s no history or anything. But now I’m over 35, that magic age when your eggs go crazy.)

Well, the top ten signs that I’m pregnant, anyway.

10. Parmesan cheese is the most revolting food on the planet.

9. Except for fish.

8. And whatever the houseguests cooked for breakfast.

7. Watching A Baby Story has suddenly become somewhat entertaining.

6. Twelve hours of sleep is really not enough.

5. Nausea only stops when you’re eating.

4. Obedience is a virtue that your children, husband and neighbors need to develop immediately.

3. Your chin looks like a small, mountainous country.

2. Nothing fits but yoga pants and fleece pullovers.

1. You desperately need ONE REAL DIET PEPSI, Tiger Balm for your sore shoulders, Zyrtec for your allergies, acne cream for your chin, a COLD club sandwich, some Brie and to dye your roots but you can’t because you’ve read that all of these things will deform your baby.

(Er, if anyone has any stories of doing these things while pregnant and having a healthy baby, please share. )

PS - Thank you all again for your support and good thoughts. You all rock. Even if it takes me the next three weeks to catch up on your blogs, I will.

Thank you guys so much for all of your thoughts, prayers, hugs and support. You all must have superpowers, because Hubby got out of the hospital last night. It’s just such a relief to have him home, I can’t even tell you.

It turns out that his left bundle branch in his heart is partially blocked. He is on a bunch of drugs to help unblock it and lower his blood pressure. So it’s not great news, but it’s not horrible news either. We’re slowly learning about it and working on making changes to our diet (we’d already cut out trans fats and switched to whole grains at home, at least). And we’re going to use all the money we used to spend on our vices (eating out too much, alcohol, sometimes cigarettes - and don’t worry, I haven’t had any of the naughty vices lately) to join a gym.

So we’re just trying to take this as a wake up call for a healthier lifestyle.

I will catch up with all of you soon.